Visiting Kyle

17 months.  My boys would be 17 months old today.  As I prepare to try to take Jack's picture next to Mr. Bear and Jack Jr. and steady myself to wrestle him to stand against the wall so I can do his height measurement I can't help but think I should be wrestling two little guys.  It makes me sad that my growth chart starts at 24 inches which means I cannot even put Kyle's final height on the chart.

Who is Mr. Bear?  After Jack and Kyle were born I arrived home from the hospital to find a box from Vermont Teddy Bear waiting for me.  Inside were two brown bears.  One had Kyle's name embroidered on it and the other Jack's.  They also came with two yellow blankets.  Their Grandpa had sent them for the boys.  When Jack turned one month old I took a picture of him next to Mr. Bear (as he came to be known).  And every month there after I took a picture of him with Mr. Bear (and later Jack Jr.).  I had always planned to have one stuffed animal that I would tkae regular pictures of the boys with.  When Mr. Bear arrived he seemed a natural for the job.

Who is Jack Jr.?  Jack was born at 2 pounds and 12 inches.  I noticed that over time I began to lose touch with just how small 12 inches is and Jack grew bigger and bigger.  I had a thought one day that I would go to the store and find a 12 inche baby doll, how hard could it be, right?  Turns out it was a little harder than I thought.  There really aren't a lot of 12 inch baby dolls out there.  Then I found Jack Jr. and he was perfect.

The height chart - When I was pregnant with the boys I couldn't decided if I should do one baby book, or seperate baby books for each of them.  Once Jack's water broke, I knew I didn't have much time to decide.  I wanted to get a baby book picked out and ordered so I could have it.  I finally found the perfect books at Twins Magazine.  My mom ordered the book for me.  Along with it came a special growth chart for twins.  When the time came for Jack to start his measurements I knew in my heart I had to use this groth chart.  Afterall he is a twin, even if we cannot have Kyle with us.

Not a very good picture, but until I can take one, this is the best I could find online.

Here is Kyle's new pinwheel all assembled.  Imagine my surprise when it actually spun!  Not bad for my first one.  I will put the offer out there - if you would like one for your baby, please contact me.  I would love to make one for you with pictures that are special to you.  I am hoping that if word gets out, maybe this can be my special thing I do for mommies with angel babies.

Why can't that be me in the headlines?

Anyone see the story about the Mum in Australia (clever of me to use "Mum", huh?) who was told one of her premature babies had died in birth?  Here's the link if you haven't read it - http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38988444.  I can't help but read her story, and while I'm happy for their miracle, I can't help but wonder why Jack and I, or you reading this blog who has also lost a baby, couldn't have been blessed with a similar miracle?  For myself, perhaps I am being greedy.  I did get 23 beautiful days with my son and when he passed he passed in peace.  Some mommies are not that fortunate.  On top of that I do have Jack.  I know had it not been for Kyle that Jack would not be here.  But I want to be selfish for me and Jack and for you.  No mommy should ever go through the pain of losing her child.  I remember saying once to my mom that even though I had been through the loss of both grandmother's whom I was close to, as well as three uncles - that even seeing my aunt go through her grief after losing her husband suddenly - that nothing compares to the loss of a child.  To lose someone who is a part of you leaves a huge hole in your heart that cannot be filled.  "You never get over the loss of a child."  Those words were ironically spoken by my grandmother in 1968 when she lost her son in Vietnam and again in 2007 when she lost her other son 5 months before she passed.  I had never heard her say it, but my mother remembers very clearly.

I decided yesterday that I would make the commitment to go see Kyle at least once a month.  I also decided that he needs decorations.  I received a catalog in the mail - it is almost holiday shopping season.  In the catalog were pinwheels, lots of pinwheels.  Pinwheels for different seasons and different holidays.  I had been thinking about buying Kyle a pinwheel I saw in another catalog that was solar powered.  I tossed around the idea for a while.  But after seeing all the different pinwheels I decided that the universe - or maybe Kyle - was trying to tell me something - Kyle needs pinwheels!  So, with that in mind I made Kyle's first pinwheel.  Here are the "leafs" I made for it (I didn't notice the sun got folded when I scanned it, but I was able to fix it).  I will take a picture of it assembled when I go this weekend and put it out.

I am one of those mommies who is really looking forward to decorating for holidays and even for no reason in particular.  It's perfect that I would share this with Kyle by making sure he has decorations too.  After all he is celebrating with some pretty special people.

BTW the poem reads :
"Look for me when the tide is high, And the gulls are wheeling overhead
When the autumn wind sweeps the cloudy sky, And one by one the leaves are shed
Look for me when the trees are bare, And the stars are bright in the frosty sky
When the morning mist hangs on the air, And shorter darker days pass by.
I am there, where the river flows, And salmon leap to a silver moon
Where the insects hum and the tall grass grows, And sunlight warms the afternoon
I am there in the busy street, I take your hand in the city square
In the market place where the people meet, In your quiet room I am there
I am the love you cannot see, And all I ask is look for me."