Thoughtful Thursday

How are you being too hard on yourself?

Hmm, thought provoking it is.  I am too hard on myself about my weight, about where I am as far as a job goes, about what I could have done differently in my pregnancy and while the boys were in the NICU, and about the fact that I don't have enough money to do the things I want to with Jack.

My weight I am working on.  I've made the huge decision to have gastric banding.  It's a big step and one that scares me, but I can't be my age and in this poor of health.  I will never be an active mommy for Jack and I will never have any other children.  I want to live to see Jack grow up and have a family of his own.

As far as my job goes, I like where I am, it's just not what I see myself doing forever.  I really want to be in a field where I can help people.  I am working on getting my Masters in Psychology.  Cross your fingers for me.

Oh so many regrets when it comes to my pregnancy.  I am not sure I can even sum them up here.  The biggest one is I feel I let Kyle down.  I'm the mommy, shouldn't I have know he was sick before it was too late?

And as far as money goes you can't be cancer free until you cut off the tumor.  In due time I will remove that problem.  In the mean time I will work to get my degree and start making a better life for myself and my son.

Yoga Time
Cat-Cow Pose
Duration: 1-3 minutes
Inhale in cow pose / exhale in cat pose

Cow - Top picture

Cat - Bottom picture

Thoughtful Thursday

On Thursdays I will be posting questions meant to make you think, and of course my answers to them.  As a bonus I will also include a simple Yoga pose and / or a stress relief technique.

Today's question is - Are you living in the present?

As most mommies of Angel Babies will tell you, this is a difficult thing to do.  Personally for me it is a minute by minute thing.  I can be here today, 19 months after my boys were born, but then something will take me back.  It can be something so simple that I wouldn't even equate with Kyle.  For example let's say I see a woman in a red coat.  I might think to myself that I don't really care for the color red.  My favorite color is blue.  Blue is for boys.  I was so happy to find out on a cold day in February 2009 that I was expecting twin boys.  Oh twins.  I miss not having Kyle with us and all that Jack is missing by not having his little brother here.

Some days are really bad and I live in what-if land.  I'm sure most other Angel Baby mommies at least have a standing reservation here, maybe even a home away from home.

For an Angel Baby momma, living in the present is something that is very hard to do.  For myself it is something that still takes a considerable amount fo time to do.  But I do it.  If not for myself, for Jack.  I would miss so much if I wasn't there, in the present, with my personality filled 19-month-old.

Yoga -

Butterfly Pose - a basic beginner anyone can do.  It is great for taking time to relax and concentrate on being here, in the present. 

A website displaying the technique - Mastery of Meditation, Yoga and Zen or try this old blog post