Sketchbook Project at Butterfly Mommies (Blog)

Has anyone else come across this idea?  Is anyone else participating?

I finally sat down to write something to relate Kyle's entry in the project to the theme of "You'd be home by now."  It wasn't easy, but this is what I came up with:

Not sure why it was so hard for me to write something, but when I sat down to think about how things would be different if Kyle were with us I thought of 100 things, 100 ways things would change, 100 things that would be different. It was overwhelming to narrow it down to 100 words, but I tried.

We recently wrapped up the season for the minor league baseball team in our area. In the years before the boys were conceived and born my husband and I went to a good number of AHL hockey games. I remember when I found out I was having twins. I laughed at the thought of how quickly we had gone from two single tickets on game day to a family four pack. Sitting at the baseball game with Jack, watching the fireworks at the last baseball game I couldn't help but smile. Jack watched so intently and wasn't scared in the least. I couldn't help but think - Finally, after over a year and many miles of separation, Jack and Kyle are sharing an event. Kyle watching the fireworks from above, and Jack snuggled up with me.

I don't really know how to relate this to "You would be home by now," other than to say that with Kyle's older, twin brother, Jack, at home I cannot help but look at him every day and wonder what Kyle would look like? Would Jack be different with a little brother to love, play with and be challenged by?

It really wasn't easy to actually write thoughts and feeling about how things would be different if Kyle were home with us.  It was even more difficult to limit it to 100 words.  Here at the top 10 things I can think of that would be different if Kyle were home with us:
1. Mommy would no longer be sleeping in Jack's room and having Jack co-sleep with her
2. Mommy would be deliriously out of energy chasing after two 17-month-olds
3. Mommy wouldn't feel such sadness and feel so cheated when hearing stories of someone else in the family who had twin boys after Jack and Kyle were born
4. Jack wouldn't hate to be left in a room or wake up screaming in a his crib alone
5. Jack would probably be walking (he went through surgery to correct hip dysplasia, and I have to wonder if a sibling walking around him might given him the confidence to try it more often himself)
6. Mommy would be blissfully unaware of the selfishness some people can display when dealing with situations that are out of their control (I am speaking about a certain individual who felt she needed to be consulted about services for Kyle)
7. The word "twins" wouldn't hurt so much when I see it
8. The pictures of Kyle would age, as do the pictures of Jack
9. I wouldn't know there are so many other mommies out there with such great strength who have inspired me even thought they don't know it
10. I would have four arms wrapped tight around me when I ask for hugs

Wake me up when ? comes

Remember the song from a few years ago - "Wake me up when September comes?"  For some reason that just popped into my head.  Like every other mother who has been through a loss I have my good days and I have my eh days and I have my stay away from me because if you look at me funny I'm going to fall down into a weeping mess days.  Today is an eh day.

For some reason it has been on my mind a lot lately about what Jack and Kyle are missing because Kyle is so far away.  I think maybe it is because Jack has taken to staring up at a certain spot on the ceiling every night as we go through out ni-night routine of a fresh diaper and pjs.  I can't help but wonder if Kyle is looking down and saying hello to his brother.  Or maybe it's the fact that my 17-month-old who says very few words has suddenly started saying Ky-Ky clear as day.  Granted it may be what he calls a tissue for all I know, but I would like to think that he knows his brother's name because he comes to play when Mommy is not looking.

Nana commented the other day about how Jack does not like to be alone.  I myself think this is why we had such an awful time every time he was buckled into his car seat when he was an infant.  Soothe a baby to sleep with a short car trip?  Not my child.  He screamed bloody murder from the first click of the strap to the time he was free of his nylon ties.  While I have often wondered if Jack feels like someone is missing I rarely say it to anyone because they just don't understand.  Are there any other mommies out there who have experienced the loss of one twin?  Do you find it difficult to balance the joy of your miracle and the loss of your angel?