Rollercoaster of ?

I feel like these last few days have been full of such ups and downs.  I called my mom when I got in the car this evening (after work) and asked her - What exactly is it about me that screams to the universe that I really don't have enough to deal with and to please pile on more $h!t?

I was extremely nervous about my appointment today.  I had my psych eval for bariatric surgery.  I had originally thought I would talk about that here, but now I'm not so sure.  Perhaps I should create a separate bog for my trials in bariatric surgery?  Until I decide, I will tell you that when I arrived for my appointment, one of the best ways I described it to the psychologist was that I feel like I'm up on the diving board ready to dive into the water.  The psych eval is my last hurdle to be overcome before I am submitted for insurance approval.  Pretty much all I have to do now is sit back and wait for their decision.  Well, I may have to go to nutritional counseling, but that's another story.  I'm nervous, excited, scared, you name it.  This will be a big change.  I will be a whole new person.

Speaking of being a new person, something occurred to me today.  I have spent a better part of this year trying to get back to being the person I was before Jack and Kyle were born.  I thought that because I wasn't that person it meant that I wasn't handling Kyle's passing.  Then something occurred to me today - I will never again be that person.  That woman didn't have two beautiful boys.  She didn't fight to keep them safe for 27 weeks, 3 days.  She didn't spend hours every day in the NICU talking to and reading to her boys.  She didn't carefully plan her son's service and go shopping for his "coming home" outfit that he would be buried in.  That woman doesn't have a miracle 17-month-old who is unaware, on any conscious level, that anything is missing as long as he has his mommy.  I will never again be that woman.  Who I am now is who I fought so hard to be - A Mommy - even though it didn't quite go the way I had planned.

So, UP because the psych eval went well.  DOWN because I found out I cannot start grad school Monday.  Why, you ask?  Because they don't have a spot for me.  Instead of taking the classes less that a half mile from where I live, they want me to sign up for classes over 30 miles away in Chicago.  Um, did you miss the part where I am a full-time employee and a full-time mommy?  What am I going to do now?  I can't afford to start paying back my student loans from my B.S.  I need to be in school within six months, or a lot of places are going to come calling for student loans.  Yikes!

Jane, get me off this crazy thing!

Big changes to come

As I was driving to work this morning it stuck me that I am (perhaps) a bit insane. Yeah, so it's not really news, but here's what I mean. By the end of the year (hopefully November or December) I will be having bariatric surgery. I have decided - for reasons I will discuss later - that having gastric banding is the best option for me.

But before that happens, I will start grad school. What am I doing? I just finished my BS degree program. Ironic that it's a BS degree and my major is psychology. Yes, the main reason I am jumping into my masters program so soon is because I cannot afford to pay back my student loans at this point, but should that be a reason? Then again if I put it off for a few months or even a year would I just find excuses not to go. If I don't get my masters, I will likely never use my education in any form of employment and I can't do that. I would feel like such a failure and I've failed at a lot. I want to work in the field of psychology. I have plans (as I listed in my application essay) to do good and help people. But still grad school, bariatric surgery, a full-time job and a toddler - - Anyone know where I can get an extra set of hands?