Rollercoaster of ?

I feel like these last few days have been full of such ups and downs.  I called my mom when I got in the car this evening (after work) and asked her - What exactly is it about me that screams to the universe that I really don't have enough to deal with and to please pile on more $h!t?

I was extremely nervous about my appointment today.  I had my psych eval for bariatric surgery.  I had originally thought I would talk about that here, but now I'm not so sure.  Perhaps I should create a separate bog for my trials in bariatric surgery?  Until I decide, I will tell you that when I arrived for my appointment, one of the best ways I described it to the psychologist was that I feel like I'm up on the diving board ready to dive into the water.  The psych eval is my last hurdle to be overcome before I am submitted for insurance approval.  Pretty much all I have to do now is sit back and wait for their decision.  Well, I may have to go to nutritional counseling, but that's another story.  I'm nervous, excited, scared, you name it.  This will be a big change.  I will be a whole new person.

Speaking of being a new person, something occurred to me today.  I have spent a better part of this year trying to get back to being the person I was before Jack and Kyle were born.  I thought that because I wasn't that person it meant that I wasn't handling Kyle's passing.  Then something occurred to me today - I will never again be that person.  That woman didn't have two beautiful boys.  She didn't fight to keep them safe for 27 weeks, 3 days.  She didn't spend hours every day in the NICU talking to and reading to her boys.  She didn't carefully plan her son's service and go shopping for his "coming home" outfit that he would be buried in.  That woman doesn't have a miracle 17-month-old who is unaware, on any conscious level, that anything is missing as long as he has his mommy.  I will never again be that woman.  Who I am now is who I fought so hard to be - A Mommy - even though it didn't quite go the way I had planned.

So, UP because the psych eval went well.  DOWN because I found out I cannot start grad school Monday.  Why, you ask?  Because they don't have a spot for me.  Instead of taking the classes less that a half mile from where I live, they want me to sign up for classes over 30 miles away in Chicago.  Um, did you miss the part where I am a full-time employee and a full-time mommy?  What am I going to do now?  I can't afford to start paying back my student loans from my B.S.  I need to be in school within six months, or a lot of places are going to come calling for student loans.  Yikes!

Jane, get me off this crazy thing!

Letting Kyle Down

I've been doing a lot of reading of other blogs lately. I know, I should be adding them to mine, but I feel like I am not on the same level as those fine, strong ladies. They are so organized, have unique blogs and special signatures and here I am with just a standard blog and no signature. Could I learn? Probably, but when do I find the time?

I start grad school Monday, August 30 and, as I think I mentioned before, I think I may be slightly crazy. I flip-flop from panicking on how I'm going to find the time to how I'm going to come up with the money. I half-seriously want to sell therapy services on eBay - For the low, low price of $2,500 (the cost of one class) you too can have free therapy for one year - after I receive my degree, of course.

Anyway, back to what I was saying about all the other Angel Mommies - I feel such a strong connection to their stories no matter how different they are from ours (and by ours, I mean me, Jack and Kyle). I truly feel like I am not doing enough to honor my son. I had such plans and I can't seem to make any of them come true.

I started Kyle's Angels - Love from Above because I wanted other parents with babies in the NICU to have something special and most importantly not lose sight of the fact that they have a baby to love and treasure. No matter how tiny or sick, no matter how long of life the doctor's say that baby will have, no matter the pain and fear, that is their child to love and honor. If, Heaven forbid, that precious miracle has to return to Heaven they need to remember and feel the warm glow of love when thinking about their baby. If their precious child is luck enough to come home, there will come a time when they will look back at what a beautiful blessing they received and remember with awe all that happened. I know - I speak from experience on both accounts.

Here's the problem though, I cannot seem to generate the support I would like to for Kyle's Angels. I know times are tough for everyone right now, so I took a slightly different approach this summer. I decided rather than solicit donations of money or gently used items, I would ask for things that don't cost much, or anything at all. My two ideas were to create a cookbook - The Art of French Toast Cooking I would call it. The idea was that people would send me recipes that are either kid-friendly, or easy to make with your child and pictures of them and their child(ren) cooking the recipe.

The other idea was - as I liked to call it - Le Petite Artiste. This was going to be an art sale, or possible silent auction of works of art by children. This could be anything from a coloring book page, to Play-Doh sculpture, to finger paint on canvas, to handmade bracelets. If you can imagine it, we would love to have it.

These sound simple and fun enough, right? This was May. It's now August and I haven't received one response. When I asked for donations last year I received rather generous support. Is it that it's easier for people to give money? I need help with Kyle's Angels. I have such important ideas, but no idea how to realize them. I feel like I am letting Kyle down.

Big changes to come

As I was driving to work this morning it stuck me that I am (perhaps) a bit insane. Yeah, so it's not really news, but here's what I mean. By the end of the year (hopefully November or December) I will be having bariatric surgery. I have decided - for reasons I will discuss later - that having gastric banding is the best option for me.

But before that happens, I will start grad school. What am I doing? I just finished my BS degree program. Ironic that it's a BS degree and my major is psychology. Yes, the main reason I am jumping into my masters program so soon is because I cannot afford to pay back my student loans at this point, but should that be a reason? Then again if I put it off for a few months or even a year would I just find excuses not to go. If I don't get my masters, I will likely never use my education in any form of employment and I can't do that. I would feel like such a failure and I've failed at a lot. I want to work in the field of psychology. I have plans (as I listed in my application essay) to do good and help people. But still grad school, bariatric surgery, a full-time job and a toddler - - Anyone know where I can get an extra set of hands?