Rollercoaster of ?

I feel like these last few days have been full of such ups and downs.  I called my mom when I got in the car this evening (after work) and asked her - What exactly is it about me that screams to the universe that I really don't have enough to deal with and to please pile on more $h!t?

I was extremely nervous about my appointment today.  I had my psych eval for bariatric surgery.  I had originally thought I would talk about that here, but now I'm not so sure.  Perhaps I should create a separate bog for my trials in bariatric surgery?  Until I decide, I will tell you that when I arrived for my appointment, one of the best ways I described it to the psychologist was that I feel like I'm up on the diving board ready to dive into the water.  The psych eval is my last hurdle to be overcome before I am submitted for insurance approval.  Pretty much all I have to do now is sit back and wait for their decision.  Well, I may have to go to nutritional counseling, but that's another story.  I'm nervous, excited, scared, you name it.  This will be a big change.  I will be a whole new person.

Speaking of being a new person, something occurred to me today.  I have spent a better part of this year trying to get back to being the person I was before Jack and Kyle were born.  I thought that because I wasn't that person it meant that I wasn't handling Kyle's passing.  Then something occurred to me today - I will never again be that person.  That woman didn't have two beautiful boys.  She didn't fight to keep them safe for 27 weeks, 3 days.  She didn't spend hours every day in the NICU talking to and reading to her boys.  She didn't carefully plan her son's service and go shopping for his "coming home" outfit that he would be buried in.  That woman doesn't have a miracle 17-month-old who is unaware, on any conscious level, that anything is missing as long as he has his mommy.  I will never again be that woman.  Who I am now is who I fought so hard to be - A Mommy - even though it didn't quite go the way I had planned.

So, UP because the psych eval went well.  DOWN because I found out I cannot start grad school Monday.  Why, you ask?  Because they don't have a spot for me.  Instead of taking the classes less that a half mile from where I live, they want me to sign up for classes over 30 miles away in Chicago.  Um, did you miss the part where I am a full-time employee and a full-time mommy?  What am I going to do now?  I can't afford to start paying back my student loans from my B.S.  I need to be in school within six months, or a lot of places are going to come calling for student loans.  Yikes!

Jane, get me off this crazy thing!

No longer a lurker, now a stalker :-)

Okay, so I went through some of the links I had bookmarked as I was reading one blog after another. I added some to my "Following" list. I tried to cut myself a small break about my blog. Everyone had a beginning, right? There was a time when everyone else's blog only had a few posts and they were using the templates here, right? Come on, please tell me I'm not that technologically challenged as to be the only one.

It occurred to me that I have not addressed the question about why I started this blog now. Yes, I know there is much more to be addressed such as Jack and Kyle's story and my fight against infertility and the baby lost before the boys were conceived, but for right now let me address the question about why I am starting this blog 15 months after Kyle's passing.

If it's one thing I've learned it's that everyone grieves differently. I'm not so sure this is really about grieving. Don't get me wrong, I do grieve - I miss my son terribly. I can't help but think about how Jack is not supposed to be alone; he's supposed to have a little brother to play with. I guess what this blog is really about is my search for someone who understands. Again, I know that no one can truly understand what we (me, Jack and Kyle) have been through, just as I can never truly understand what someone else has been through, no matter the similarities in our stories.

So I guess what I am hoping to find in this blogging experience is friendship; other mommies to talk to who have been to hell and back and wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything because it was time with their baby(ies).