Today I . . .

I am not so sure that today's "Today I . . ." is about me.  It's more about standing up and deciding to start taking bigger steps and more action to get the word about Kyle's Angels out there.

I am also the chairperson of the Charity Committee at work.  Last year we collected over $700 from less than 40 employees.  Awesome for being such a small company.  That turned into over $1400 with the matching funds from the company.  We were able to do so much good and it truly warmed out hearts.

This year I feel like a complete failure as a chairperson.  We have two donations.  I know times are tough and money is tight.  But with the matching you donation is doubled!  $20 becomes $40!

Anyway this got me to thinking about Kyle's Angels and how I will likely be unable to fulfill the wishes of the NICU staff.  You see last year due to problems with PayPal I covered most of the cost of the donations.  Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about that.  This year is something different though.  Due to poor money management by someone other than myself I am paying a very large consequence.  Money is tight.  I had accepted that I would be paying for the cost of the Angel Baby Balloon Release out of pocket.  I have maybe enough to cover the cost of the gifts for the individual babies.  But I don't have the money to cover the wish list of the NICU staff.  And I am still hoping a generous pizza place will at least discount pizza for the staff on Christmas, but this too will be paid out of pocket.

So, Today I . . . placed an ad in a local paper to get the word out about Kyle's Angels 2010 wish list.

The Ad:

Please help support babies in the NICU.  Kyle’s Angels desperately needs your help.  We are in need of gently used and new crib music players.  Please check us out at www.KylesAngels.com to find out how to help us.  Knitters and quilters are also desperately needed.

The wish list of the NICU staff:
For Christmas the big suggestions from the girls in the NICU for mobiles and musical items (or even like sound machines--white noise , waves etc.)

So, for anyone reading this who has little ones who no longer need their crib music, would you please consider donating them to Kyle's Angels?  If you cannot help by donating, can you please tell your family and friends and ask them to tell their family and friends?Also a nurse is taking on the project of making 60 new quilts by next Christmas for the NICU...
Then if there was anything left over $$$$ wise Auntie Karen has an idea I would like to do--our isolette covers and blankets we hang on big cribs are awful looking. I would like to work on making new quilt coverings so if there was any money left I would welcome any kind of a donation for materials toward this project. My goal is 60 new quilts by next Christmas (would like to put them all in circulation at once so the nursery is brighter at the beginning of the year). I will be funding this on my own which is fine with me but if you would like to contribute I would also love that.

30 Posts in 30 Days - Day Twenty-Two

Master List
Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Selfishly, I have to post my favorite website as Kyle's Angels - http://www.kylesangels.com/  and our blog at http://www.kylesangels.blogspot.com/

The only other website I visit regularly is Facebook.  I have talked about my Facebook addiction before.  I guess that's not exactly true, I also read a tons of blogs everyday.

I have recently discovered etsy.com.  I know, I've been living in a cave and all of you have already discovered this site.  I have heard about it before, but the truth is I have stayed away for fear - fear that I would want everything!  I finally wandered out there after connecting to a seller's page from a blog post.  I was right, I want everything!  That being said, I have been good - so far.  I am in talks with someone about a memorial necklace for myself with Kyle's name on it.  I had one that my mom bought me and I loved it, but unfortunately I wore it without taking it off and the chain broke (easy enough to replace), but then a stone fell out.



1000 Piece Puzzle

Don't you just hate periods of time when so many things happen or run through your mind?  You had the best of intentions of blogging about  THIS, but then THAT happened.  I feel that way as of late. 

I wanted to blog last week about wishing that people understood that just because it's been 1 year, 4 months and 28 days. or 515 days, or 12360 hours, or 741,600 minutes since Kyle passed it doesn't mean I am over it.  I may smile and I may laugh, I may look like I am living, but I assure you I am not the person I was before - I never will be.  I have missed my baby boy each and every one of those 741,600 minutes.  I wish people understood that some times there are moments when I can barely breathe because I miss my son so much.  I wish people understood these moments, quite often, catch me by surprise.

I wanted to blog about seeing new babies, pregnant women and most especially twins.

I wanted to blog about empty cribs.

I really wanted to blog this weekend about being married - a subject which you may have guessed (from my lack of mention of a husband) will be most interesting when I do bring it up.

I wanted to blog about the progress on my upcoming surgery.

I wanted to blog Monday about the amazing rainbow I saw.

But today I really wanted to blog about the awkward question all of us with Angels Babies dread - How many children do you have?  Well, actually the question to me was, "You have two sons?"  I am not sure where the guess of two came, other than the fact that I have enough pictures of Jack around my office that it probably seems more like 10 kids than 1.  So it went something like this - A new person started at our office today.  As she was sitting across from my desk in my office she innocently asked - "You have two sons?"  I actually stumbled over my words to say that yes I have two, however one passed away.  I stumbled through a shortened version of the story.  At the end I felt bad.  I felt bad because this woman asked a question which should be innocent enough, but I have the unpleasant duty of explaining that my baby is not with me.  Babies shouldn't die.  Mommies should never have to explain to someone who innocently asks on a beautiful fall day that the beautiful baby boy she sees in a picture is actually in the cold ground in a little white casket.  This conversation isn't fair to anyone.

This got me thinking about the Kyle's Angels First Annual Angel Baby Balloon Release and another woman in the office.  I don't know how many other people around here know, but shortly after Kyle passed and I returned to work she confided in me that she had a son.  Her baby died of SIDS many years ago when he was just a few months old.  There are no pictures of her baby in her office.  I know everyone grieves differently, and I know there is a sort of stigma attached to mommies of Angel Babies, and I know talking about dead babies is sort of taboo, what I don't know is why?  Every Angel Baby deserves to be remembered.  I have no doubt that her Angel Baby is loved.  She should be able to have a picture of him on her desk and if someone asks about him she should be able to say, "That's my son.  He's no longer here," and that should be the end of the conversation.  But people want to know the whole story, every little detail, and they think it's their right to know.  Instead mommies of Angel Babies feel the need to tuck away the keepsakes and pictures in the back of a closet somewhere.  Angel Babies deserve to be remembered and Angel Baby Mommies deserved to be honored.

There's a lot I wanted to blog about.  Good thing no one's checking this blog out daily waiting for the latest omelet from my scrambled brain.

Kyle's Angels September 2010 Newsletter

I must say that now that I have actually taken the time to put pen to paper, er, fingers to keyboard and do an updated newsletter I feel much better.  There is just something about helping others that makes the sting of losing Kyle a little less harsh - it doesn't feel like it was for nothing if I can use my experience to help someone else.

I know I only have a few followers, but if you read this and know someone who would like to be included in our First Annual Angel Balloon Release please let me know.  I do plan on contacting a few of the mommies who blog regularly and asking if the would like their child remembered and if there is a short note they would like sent.  The note should be able to fit on a business card as that's what we will be using to send our messages.

Here is the September 2010 Newsletter:

Download a copy of the September 2010 Newsletter

Letting Kyle Down

I've been doing a lot of reading of other blogs lately. I know, I should be adding them to mine, but I feel like I am not on the same level as those fine, strong ladies. They are so organized, have unique blogs and special signatures and here I am with just a standard blog and no signature. Could I learn? Probably, but when do I find the time?

I start grad school Monday, August 30 and, as I think I mentioned before, I think I may be slightly crazy. I flip-flop from panicking on how I'm going to find the time to how I'm going to come up with the money. I half-seriously want to sell therapy services on eBay - For the low, low price of $2,500 (the cost of one class) you too can have free therapy for one year - after I receive my degree, of course.

Anyway, back to what I was saying about all the other Angel Mommies - I feel such a strong connection to their stories no matter how different they are from ours (and by ours, I mean me, Jack and Kyle). I truly feel like I am not doing enough to honor my son. I had such plans and I can't seem to make any of them come true.

I started Kyle's Angels - Love from Above because I wanted other parents with babies in the NICU to have something special and most importantly not lose sight of the fact that they have a baby to love and treasure. No matter how tiny or sick, no matter how long of life the doctor's say that baby will have, no matter the pain and fear, that is their child to love and honor. If, Heaven forbid, that precious miracle has to return to Heaven they need to remember and feel the warm glow of love when thinking about their baby. If their precious child is luck enough to come home, there will come a time when they will look back at what a beautiful blessing they received and remember with awe all that happened. I know - I speak from experience on both accounts.

Here's the problem though, I cannot seem to generate the support I would like to for Kyle's Angels. I know times are tough for everyone right now, so I took a slightly different approach this summer. I decided rather than solicit donations of money or gently used items, I would ask for things that don't cost much, or anything at all. My two ideas were to create a cookbook - The Art of French Toast Cooking I would call it. The idea was that people would send me recipes that are either kid-friendly, or easy to make with your child and pictures of them and their child(ren) cooking the recipe.

The other idea was - as I liked to call it - Le Petite Artiste. This was going to be an art sale, or possible silent auction of works of art by children. This could be anything from a coloring book page, to Play-Doh sculpture, to finger paint on canvas, to handmade bracelets. If you can imagine it, we would love to have it.

These sound simple and fun enough, right? This was May. It's now August and I haven't received one response. When I asked for donations last year I received rather generous support. Is it that it's easier for people to give money? I need help with Kyle's Angels. I have such important ideas, but no idea how to realize them. I feel like I am letting Kyle down.