1000 Piece Puzzle

Don't you just hate periods of time when so many things happen or run through your mind?  You had the best of intentions of blogging about  THIS, but then THAT happened.  I feel that way as of late. 

I wanted to blog last week about wishing that people understood that just because it's been 1 year, 4 months and 28 days. or 515 days, or 12360 hours, or 741,600 minutes since Kyle passed it doesn't mean I am over it.  I may smile and I may laugh, I may look like I am living, but I assure you I am not the person I was before - I never will be.  I have missed my baby boy each and every one of those 741,600 minutes.  I wish people understood that some times there are moments when I can barely breathe because I miss my son so much.  I wish people understood these moments, quite often, catch me by surprise.

I wanted to blog about seeing new babies, pregnant women and most especially twins.

I wanted to blog about empty cribs.

I really wanted to blog this weekend about being married - a subject which you may have guessed (from my lack of mention of a husband) will be most interesting when I do bring it up.

I wanted to blog about the progress on my upcoming surgery.

I wanted to blog Monday about the amazing rainbow I saw.

But today I really wanted to blog about the awkward question all of us with Angels Babies dread - How many children do you have?  Well, actually the question to me was, "You have two sons?"  I am not sure where the guess of two came, other than the fact that I have enough pictures of Jack around my office that it probably seems more like 10 kids than 1.  So it went something like this - A new person started at our office today.  As she was sitting across from my desk in my office she innocently asked - "You have two sons?"  I actually stumbled over my words to say that yes I have two, however one passed away.  I stumbled through a shortened version of the story.  At the end I felt bad.  I felt bad because this woman asked a question which should be innocent enough, but I have the unpleasant duty of explaining that my baby is not with me.  Babies shouldn't die.  Mommies should never have to explain to someone who innocently asks on a beautiful fall day that the beautiful baby boy she sees in a picture is actually in the cold ground in a little white casket.  This conversation isn't fair to anyone.

This got me thinking about the Kyle's Angels First Annual Angel Baby Balloon Release and another woman in the office.  I don't know how many other people around here know, but shortly after Kyle passed and I returned to work she confided in me that she had a son.  Her baby died of SIDS many years ago when he was just a few months old.  There are no pictures of her baby in her office.  I know everyone grieves differently, and I know there is a sort of stigma attached to mommies of Angel Babies, and I know talking about dead babies is sort of taboo, what I don't know is why?  Every Angel Baby deserves to be remembered.  I have no doubt that her Angel Baby is loved.  She should be able to have a picture of him on her desk and if someone asks about him she should be able to say, "That's my son.  He's no longer here," and that should be the end of the conversation.  But people want to know the whole story, every little detail, and they think it's their right to know.  Instead mommies of Angel Babies feel the need to tuck away the keepsakes and pictures in the back of a closet somewhere.  Angel Babies deserve to be remembered and Angel Baby Mommies deserved to be honored.

There's a lot I wanted to blog about.  Good thing no one's checking this blog out daily waiting for the latest omelet from my scrambled brain.

Kyle's Angels September 2010 Newsletter

I must say that now that I have actually taken the time to put pen to paper, er, fingers to keyboard and do an updated newsletter I feel much better.  There is just something about helping others that makes the sting of losing Kyle a little less harsh - it doesn't feel like it was for nothing if I can use my experience to help someone else.

I know I only have a few followers, but if you read this and know someone who would like to be included in our First Annual Angel Balloon Release please let me know.  I do plan on contacting a few of the mommies who blog regularly and asking if the would like their child remembered and if there is a short note they would like sent.  The note should be able to fit on a business card as that's what we will be using to send our messages.

Here is the September 2010 Newsletter:

Download a copy of the September 2010 Newsletter

Not Like You

Not Like You
by Sheri Hess
I am a mother, though not like you.
You cradle your sweet baby in your arms,
Mine are empty, but I hold him in my heart.
You brush her soft curly hair,
and tie pretty pink bows just right.
A lock of his hair is tucked neatly in a book
You pick daisies and tie them in a chain
to wear around her neck
I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at his grave.
You look forward to dreams and plans.
I hold on to memories.
I am a mother,
though not like you.

In Memory of Dakota Rain Hess

LOL Cat Cheezburger Caturday

Funny picture to make you smile:

Have you ever Yahoo!ed yourself?

I never did get on the Google bandwagon.  I'm a Yahoo!er.  Not really sure why.  It was probably the first search engine I used and just became comfortable and familiar with it.  I was bored the other day and I decided to punch in my name for fun (it was actually an idea I saw on another blog where a mommy said she occasionally Googles her daughter's name.  I don't have the strength to do that yet with Kyle's name so I did ME!).

Here's what I found out about myself:
I have a song.  It's a rather long song.  I have no idea what it actually sounds like, but I found lyrics.
"Gwendolyn" by Badlees
Gonna paint a picture
Gonna put it in a frame
So I can show you how I'm feeling
Without having to explain
And you can hang it from your ceiling
In your safe and happy home
When you come to understand it
You'll know you're not alone
Once upon a time
We could speak our minds
Now I don't believe you Gwendolyn
I don't believe you're all that strong
I don't believe you know the dangers
Of this road you're travelin' on
You're always asking questions
That you know the answers to
Tell me please
What do you want from me
Gonna write a song
Gonna tell it like it is
And if you recognize yourself
I know you're going to be pissed
And if you call me on it
I'll deny it through and through
Just like Woody Allen would
If he were in my shoes
Once upon a time
I could speak my mind
Now I don't believe you Gwendolyn
I don't believe you're all that strong
I don't believe you know the dangers
Of this road you're travelin' on
You're always asking questions
That you know the answers to
Tell me please
What do you want from me
Gonna write a letter
Gonna a mail it to myself
Sincerely and forever
You and yours can go to hell
And I'll put it in my pocket
So when this all comes crashin' down
I'll have a way to show you
How long I've been wearing down
Once upon a time
We could speak our minds
Now I don't believe you Gwendolyn
I don't believe you're all that strong
I don't believe you know the dangers
Of this road you're travelin'
You're always asking questions
That you know the answers to
Tell me please
What do you want from me
Tell me please
What do you want from me
Tell me please
What do you want from me


I was a drama/romance actress in the 1960s-
"Gwen Nelson should never have been in musicals. She looked much too strict, and seemed to skip middle-age, moving directly to old - she was one of those actresses whom it is impossible to imagine when young. She didn't look like an actress, but like a severe landlady brooding over her property in East Finchley, a role she almost certainly played at some time or another - hers looked the sort of face that didn't approve of members of the opposite sex in lodgers' rooms. She would have scoffed at the idea of being any sort of leading lady, and she seldom ventured towards the top of a bill. On stage or film, the face was often disagreeable, but there was sometimes a heart of gold found pumping below. She was a remarkable but quiet talent, and in musicals - perhaps her most surprising field of activity - she was a notable presence, in consistent and good work. She is now all but forgotten, but she appeared in a memorable, if brief, assortment of British musicals."

Gwen Nelson singing with Joan Plowright in Roots (1959)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 I'm a weird yarn doll available for the low, low price of $7.99-

I'm a rather attractive (and expensive) china pattern-

I look awesome naked-

Although sometime I look weird-

And sometimes I look nothing like myself-

I have my choice of some fun license plate frames-

I also have a lot of other goodies with my name proudly displayed-

My favorite t-shirt

And there are some weird images with my name attached-

So, have you Yahoo!ed (or Googled if you're into that kind of thing) yourself today?

Happy Birthday Kyron

I have been following this story ever since it first came out.  I continue to hope and pray that Kyron is out there some where safe and will be back at school using those new supplies and sitting at that waiting desk.  I hope he is none the wiser that so many people were so worried about him and searched so hard and so long.

Happy 8th birthday Kyron!

May you come home soon.

From People Magazine:

Like many parents this time of year, Kaine Horman went shopping for school supplies, buying everything needed for his son Kyron to start the third grade.

"They're all in his backpack in his room, ready to go. He's on the teachers' roster. They have his desk waiting. Everything is ready for him," says Horman, 36.

But Kyron, who turns 8 on Thursday, wasn't there for the first day of school Tuesday. The boy with the big glasses and toothy smile vanished June 4 from his Portland-area school. His stepmother Terri Moulton Horman has become the focus of the investigation but she has never been named a suspect.

As students return to school from summer vacation, a desk will be waiting for Kyron, says Matt Shelby, spokesman for the Portland School District.

"He's enrolled as a student. There's a spot there waiting for him," says Shelby, who adds that school policy states that a child is withdrawn from school after missing 10 consecutive days. "The school is ready for Kyron and we all hope he shows up."

Visiting Kyle

17 months.  My boys would be 17 months old today.  As I prepare to try to take Jack's picture next to Mr. Bear and Jack Jr. and steady myself to wrestle him to stand against the wall so I can do his height measurement I can't help but think I should be wrestling two little guys.  It makes me sad that my growth chart starts at 24 inches which means I cannot even put Kyle's final height on the chart.

Who is Mr. Bear?  After Jack and Kyle were born I arrived home from the hospital to find a box from Vermont Teddy Bear waiting for me.  Inside were two brown bears.  One had Kyle's name embroidered on it and the other Jack's.  They also came with two yellow blankets.  Their Grandpa had sent them for the boys.  When Jack turned one month old I took a picture of him next to Mr. Bear (as he came to be known).  And every month there after I took a picture of him with Mr. Bear (and later Jack Jr.).  I had always planned to have one stuffed animal that I would tkae regular pictures of the boys with.  When Mr. Bear arrived he seemed a natural for the job.

Who is Jack Jr.?  Jack was born at 2 pounds and 12 inches.  I noticed that over time I began to lose touch with just how small 12 inches is and Jack grew bigger and bigger.  I had a thought one day that I would go to the store and find a 12 inche baby doll, how hard could it be, right?  Turns out it was a little harder than I thought.  There really aren't a lot of 12 inch baby dolls out there.  Then I found Jack Jr. and he was perfect.

The height chart - When I was pregnant with the boys I couldn't decided if I should do one baby book, or seperate baby books for each of them.  Once Jack's water broke, I knew I didn't have much time to decide.  I wanted to get a baby book picked out and ordered so I could have it.  I finally found the perfect books at Twins Magazine.  My mom ordered the book for me.  Along with it came a special growth chart for twins.  When the time came for Jack to start his measurements I knew in my heart I had to use this groth chart.  Afterall he is a twin, even if we cannot have Kyle with us.

Not a very good picture, but until I can take one, this is the best I could find online.

Here is Kyle's new pinwheel all assembled.  Imagine my surprise when it actually spun!  Not bad for my first one.  I will put the offer out there - if you would like one for your baby, please contact me.  I would love to make one for you with pictures that are special to you.  I am hoping that if word gets out, maybe this can be my special thing I do for mommies with angel babies.

Sketchbook Project at Butterfly Mommies (Blog)

Has anyone else come across this idea?  Is anyone else participating?

I finally sat down to write something to relate Kyle's entry in the project to the theme of "You'd be home by now."  It wasn't easy, but this is what I came up with:

Not sure why it was so hard for me to write something, but when I sat down to think about how things would be different if Kyle were with us I thought of 100 things, 100 ways things would change, 100 things that would be different. It was overwhelming to narrow it down to 100 words, but I tried.

We recently wrapped up the season for the minor league baseball team in our area. In the years before the boys were conceived and born my husband and I went to a good number of AHL hockey games. I remember when I found out I was having twins. I laughed at the thought of how quickly we had gone from two single tickets on game day to a family four pack. Sitting at the baseball game with Jack, watching the fireworks at the last baseball game I couldn't help but smile. Jack watched so intently and wasn't scared in the least. I couldn't help but think - Finally, after over a year and many miles of separation, Jack and Kyle are sharing an event. Kyle watching the fireworks from above, and Jack snuggled up with me.

I don't really know how to relate this to "You would be home by now," other than to say that with Kyle's older, twin brother, Jack, at home I cannot help but look at him every day and wonder what Kyle would look like? Would Jack be different with a little brother to love, play with and be challenged by?

It really wasn't easy to actually write thoughts and feeling about how things would be different if Kyle were home with us.  It was even more difficult to limit it to 100 words.  Here at the top 10 things I can think of that would be different if Kyle were home with us:
1. Mommy would no longer be sleeping in Jack's room and having Jack co-sleep with her
2. Mommy would be deliriously out of energy chasing after two 17-month-olds
3. Mommy wouldn't feel such sadness and feel so cheated when hearing stories of someone else in the family who had twin boys after Jack and Kyle were born
4. Jack wouldn't hate to be left in a room or wake up screaming in a his crib alone
5. Jack would probably be walking (he went through surgery to correct hip dysplasia, and I have to wonder if a sibling walking around him might given him the confidence to try it more often himself)
6. Mommy would be blissfully unaware of the selfishness some people can display when dealing with situations that are out of their control (I am speaking about a certain individual who felt she needed to be consulted about services for Kyle)
7. The word "twins" wouldn't hurt so much when I see it
8. The pictures of Kyle would age, as do the pictures of Jack
9. I wouldn't know there are so many other mommies out there with such great strength who have inspired me even thought they don't know it
10. I would have four arms wrapped tight around me when I ask for hugs

Why can't that be me in the headlines?

Anyone see the story about the Mum in Australia (clever of me to use "Mum", huh?) who was told one of her premature babies had died in birth?  Here's the link if you haven't read it - http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/38988444.  I can't help but read her story, and while I'm happy for their miracle, I can't help but wonder why Jack and I, or you reading this blog who has also lost a baby, couldn't have been blessed with a similar miracle?  For myself, perhaps I am being greedy.  I did get 23 beautiful days with my son and when he passed he passed in peace.  Some mommies are not that fortunate.  On top of that I do have Jack.  I know had it not been for Kyle that Jack would not be here.  But I want to be selfish for me and Jack and for you.  No mommy should ever go through the pain of losing her child.  I remember saying once to my mom that even though I had been through the loss of both grandmother's whom I was close to, as well as three uncles - that even seeing my aunt go through her grief after losing her husband suddenly - that nothing compares to the loss of a child.  To lose someone who is a part of you leaves a huge hole in your heart that cannot be filled.  "You never get over the loss of a child."  Those words were ironically spoken by my grandmother in 1968 when she lost her son in Vietnam and again in 2007 when she lost her other son 5 months before she passed.  I had never heard her say it, but my mother remembers very clearly.

I decided yesterday that I would make the commitment to go see Kyle at least once a month.  I also decided that he needs decorations.  I received a catalog in the mail - it is almost holiday shopping season.  In the catalog were pinwheels, lots of pinwheels.  Pinwheels for different seasons and different holidays.  I had been thinking about buying Kyle a pinwheel I saw in another catalog that was solar powered.  I tossed around the idea for a while.  But after seeing all the different pinwheels I decided that the universe - or maybe Kyle - was trying to tell me something - Kyle needs pinwheels!  So, with that in mind I made Kyle's first pinwheel.  Here are the "leafs" I made for it (I didn't notice the sun got folded when I scanned it, but I was able to fix it).  I will take a picture of it assembled when I go this weekend and put it out.

I am one of those mommies who is really looking forward to decorating for holidays and even for no reason in particular.  It's perfect that I would share this with Kyle by making sure he has decorations too.  After all he is celebrating with some pretty special people.

BTW the poem reads :
"Look for me when the tide is high, And the gulls are wheeling overhead
When the autumn wind sweeps the cloudy sky, And one by one the leaves are shed
Look for me when the trees are bare, And the stars are bright in the frosty sky
When the morning mist hangs on the air, And shorter darker days pass by.
I am there, where the river flows, And salmon leap to a silver moon
Where the insects hum and the tall grass grows, And sunlight warms the afternoon
I am there in the busy street, I take your hand in the city square
In the market place where the people meet, In your quiet room I am there
I am the love you cannot see, And all I ask is look for me."

Wake me up when ? comes

Remember the song from a few years ago - "Wake me up when September comes?"  For some reason that just popped into my head.  Like every other mother who has been through a loss I have my good days and I have my eh days and I have my stay away from me because if you look at me funny I'm going to fall down into a weeping mess days.  Today is an eh day.

For some reason it has been on my mind a lot lately about what Jack and Kyle are missing because Kyle is so far away.  I think maybe it is because Jack has taken to staring up at a certain spot on the ceiling every night as we go through out ni-night routine of a fresh diaper and pjs.  I can't help but wonder if Kyle is looking down and saying hello to his brother.  Or maybe it's the fact that my 17-month-old who says very few words has suddenly started saying Ky-Ky clear as day.  Granted it may be what he calls a tissue for all I know, but I would like to think that he knows his brother's name because he comes to play when Mommy is not looking.

Nana commented the other day about how Jack does not like to be alone.  I myself think this is why we had such an awful time every time he was buckled into his car seat when he was an infant.  Soothe a baby to sleep with a short car trip?  Not my child.  He screamed bloody murder from the first click of the strap to the time he was free of his nylon ties.  While I have often wondered if Jack feels like someone is missing I rarely say it to anyone because they just don't understand.  Are there any other mommies out there who have experienced the loss of one twin?  Do you find it difficult to balance the joy of your miracle and the loss of your angel?