For some reason it has been on my mind a lot lately about what Jack and Kyle are missing because Kyle is so far away. I think maybe it is because Jack has taken to staring up at a certain spot on the ceiling every night as we go through out ni-night routine of a fresh diaper and pjs. I can't help but wonder if Kyle is looking down and saying hello to his brother. Or maybe it's the fact that my 17-month-old who says very few words has suddenly started saying Ky-Ky clear as day. Granted it may be what he calls a tissue for all I know, but I would like to think that he knows his brother's name because he comes to play when Mommy is not looking.
Nana commented the other day about how Jack does not like to be alone. I myself think this is why we had such an awful time every time he was buckled into his car seat when he was an infant. Soothe a baby to sleep with a short car trip? Not my child. He screamed bloody murder from the first click of the strap to the time he was free of his nylon ties. While I have often wondered if Jack feels like someone is missing I rarely say it to anyone because they just don't understand. Are there any other mommies out there who have experienced the loss of one twin? Do you find it difficult to balance the joy of your miracle and the loss of your angel?
I lost one of my twins just over a year ago, when my boys were just over a month old. It is incredibly difficult for me to balance the huge range of emotions! One minute I am in awe of Will, and the next minute my heart aches for what we all are missing. I don't understand, I'll never understand.
ReplyDeleteI think the same things that you do when Will looks at a strange spot in the house, or laughs when no one is making him. I am always thinking that maybe, just maybe my MJ is visiting Will each night. I suppose we will always think those things, and always feel that awful twinge in our hearts and stomach as we try to balance the joy and pain we feel on a daily basis.
((HUGS))