Isn't it beautiful?

By Kristi @

Kyle's Page

Katy & Kristie at Anchored by Hope have been very busy girls.

Thank you so much for all your hardwork ladies!

Wordful Wednesday

Found this one during an Internet search for more survey.  Oh my it is long (stop giggling)!

Name: Gwen
Sex: Female
Birth date: June 6
Location: Chicago 'Burbs
Height: 5'2"
Eye color: Brown
Hair color: Brown
What does your name mean: It is of Welsh origin, and the meaning of Gwendolyn is " fair bow; blessed ring".
High school graduation year: 1991
Favorite relatives: The HappySide
Summer memory: Riding bikes and going to Convenient with Erich and Angie
Favorite TV shows: Ugh, I watch way too much TV, crime dramas are my favs
What’s on your mousepad: @ work, Tigger, none at home
In the car- ac or windows: Def AC, I hate being too hot
Do you believe in yourself: Not nearly as much as I should
Favorite game: Monopoly (board game), Rummy (card game), FrontierVille (FB game), 7-Up (dice game)
Favorite drink: Coke, I shall miss it after my surgery
Favorite food: Quonset pizza
Favorite colors: Blue
Favorite cigarettes: Yuk! None!
Favorite sounds: Jack's laugh
Favorite smell: Jack after a bath
Worst feeling in the World: Missing Kyle
Best feeling in the World: Holding Jack
Favorite thing to do on a weekend: Play with Jack, escape into net space with FB
Favorite soundtrack: Cutting Edge "Toe Pick!"
Where do you see yourself in 10 years: A ------ (omitted to avoid confrontation) mommy of 3
First thought in the morning: Ugh, do I have to go to work?
Do you get motion sickness: Nope
Rollercoasters- deadly or exciting: Exciting
How many rings before you answer the phone: I am notorious for not answering my phone.
Future son names: Hoping for two daughters next.  No other boy's names picked out
Future daughter names: Can't share here - okay maybe since you asked so nice Kacey Jean Kay and Kelsey Dorthea Faye, also like Kylee in memory of Kyle, and Caledonia Rose Marie - Callie for short and probably spelled with a K.
Are you a good friend: Nope, really should be a better one
Chocolate or Vanilla cake: Vanilla
What do you drive: Chevy Silverado
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Yep, my Pooh bear, he goes with me every time I travel, even if it's just across the boarder into WI
Thunderstorms cool or scary: Awesome!
If you could meet one person in the World, who would it be: Living or dead?  Dead - Stevie Ray Vaughn.  Living - Tony Stewart
What is your zodiac sign: Gemini
What do you wear to bed: Comfy pants and T
Do you eat stems of broccoli: Don't eat any part of broccoli
Guys- If a girl ever asked you for the shirt on your back, would you
give it to her?
Girls- Would you ever ask a guy for his shirt? Probably not
If you could have any occupation when you get older, what would it be: Psychologist
If you could dye your hair one color, what would it be: Like my hair color now
If you could have a tattoo, what and where would it be: I have 3 and plans for 2 more
Favorite brand of gum: Orbit?  Don't really chew gum.
What is your favorite quote: "There's always cats in pants."
Have you ever been in love: Yep
What’s on your walls in your room: Pictures of Jack
Is the glass half-empty or half-full: I'm ashamed to say it's usually half-empty
Pick a song that describes yourself or that you can relate to: Nobody's Girl
Which do you prefer- Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos: Cool Ranch
Favorite flavor Snapple: Pink Lemonade
Which one, Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Which kind of milk is your favorite: 1%, strawberry please
If you were to kill someone, which method would you use? I would never.  I'm getting enough bad karma and I don't know why.
Are you a righty, lefty, or ambidextrous: Righty
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: Kind of
When you meet a person of the opposite sex, you notice their: Face
If you could be one gardening tool, which one would it be: Watering can
What kind of shoe would you be if you had an option: Sneaker
What’s under your bed: Dust monsters
What’s the best number in the World: 13
What is your dream car: Paid for
Who is your biggest crush right now: Tony Stewart
Nickname: Don't really have one, but I was G Lo before George Lopez was.
School: Adler
Bacon Bits Or croutons: Croutons, why is this question on every survey?
Favorite salad dressing: 1000 Island
Do you drink: Not really
What type of Shampoo/Conditioner: Fructis, Suave
Have you ever been skinny dipping: Yep
Do you make fun of people: Yes, but not for anything out of their control
Have you ever been convicted of a crime: Nope
Best friends online/offline: Carol, KJ
One pillow or two: 2
Pets: Milo & Mishka
Favorite Movies: Anything but a chick flick
Favorite type of music: All
Hobbies: Blogging, crafts, reading
Word or Phrase you overuse: Um
Toothpaste: Colgate cinnamon (hard to find)
Piercing or tattoos: 4 and 3
Do you get along with your parents: Yes
Favorite beer: Corona
Favorite song at the moment: California Gurls
Favorite subject in school: Math
Least favorite subject in school: History
Most humiliating moment: Teen Years
Craziest or Silliest Person You Know: Jack
Favorite Holiday: Halloween
Now are you glad you know more about me?  :-)

30 Posts in 30 Days - Day Fifteen and Sixteen

Master List
Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

I didn't post my 15th post yesterday because I didn't feel right given what day it was.  The 15th was about Kyle and all the other Angel Babies being remembered.

Day 15's post is a little difficult.  I have thoughts on what the house would physically look like, but those aren't the important things.  Give that yesterday was all about Angle Babies, it's what my house would be filled with that weighs most heavily on my mind.  My dream house would have Jack and Kyle and their sisters ***** and ****** (I don't feel right typing the names since they may one day be here and I am not quite ready to speak their names).  I have always wanted a house with 2 boys and 2 girls.  A nice big front yard with the children and their friends playing in it.  A huge back yard with room for bonfires and tents for camping.  A swing set with a slide and a sandbox that meets an ocean - or at least appears that way to the mind of a little child.  My house would be the one all the kids would play at.  It would be a happy house with no dark clouds over it.

Day 16's post is an easy one for me - Kenny Chesney "Who you'd be today."  I cannot hear this song and not think about Kyle and what my life would be like if he were here with Jack and I.  How would I be different?  How would Jack be different?  Would Kyle's hair have stayed brown like mine, or been light like Jack's?  Would he have had brown eyes?  Would he be the quite, laid back little boy he appeared to be in the NICU?  Would he and Jack be chasing each other through the house yelling in their own twin language?  Would I be a different mommy if I didn't feel like half of me was missing and that even when I hold Jack my arms still feel not quite as full as they should?  I can only imagine this list of questions will grow as time goes by.  As Jack grows and learns more and more things I will wonder what Kyle would be doing.  I fear Jack will never have another sibling and that he will never get the chance to be a big brother.  Even if there is another baby in the future for me, Jack will never know what it is like to go through life with a twin.

Whisper the name of my child to me today

If you have stumbled upon this blog, you are probably like me in that you are the mommy of an Angel Baby.  You than also know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  If you have stumbled on this blog and you are not a member of this heart-breaking group, then I encourage you to find out more about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

My sweet baby Kyle was born seconds after his big brother Jack on Wednesday, April 8, 2009, at 4:59 in the evening.  They were a mere 27 weeks and 3 days, and yes the 3 days count.  Jack weighted in at 2 pounds and 12 inches, Kyle was 2 pounds, 6 ounces and 14 inches.  Kyle was the "big" little brother.  He had been so strong for his brother for 7 weeks, ever since Jack's water broke at 20 weeks.  He stayed strong and continued to grow big to bear the weight for his brother.  Except for being early, Kyle was strong and healthy.  He progressed nicely through the days in the NICU, until one awful night when the phone rang.  Less than 24 hours after that my precious baby boy was gone.  23, too short, days later

A little while after Kyle passed I wrote that I felt he had been a special guardian angle sent for Jack.  I wrote that I believed that before they were conceived that God put out a call for a special angel.  Their time on earth would be brief, but he was needed for a special mission.  He would live together with his brother and mommy for 27 weeks and 3 days so that he could keep his brother safe and give him time to get ready to be born.  After they were born, the little angle would get to spend some time with his mommy and brother.  It would not be long, and they would feel like it hadn't been enough time, but he would have to come back home to watch over his big brother from afar.  Kyle was the brave angle who stepped forward that day and took on the mission.  Because of Kyle's strength I have a healthy 18-month-old baby boy, and a beautiful 18-month-old Angel Baby.  Kyle is and will always be my hero.





This picture killed me.  I walked into BRU shortly after Kyle's passing and is took my breath away.  It looks so much like he did in the pictures the nurse took of him after we had to leave him.





My child's name is not a dirty word.

Whisper the name of my child to me today.

I may cry, but I will be know you remember and care.

30 Posts in 30 Days - Day Seven

Master List
Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

The only picture I have of my boys together

30 Posts in 30 Days - Day Four

Master List
Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Without a doubt my favorite book is "I Love You My Bunnies."  I bought this book shortly before Easter 2009.  It was a book I bought on a whim because I was pregnant with my boys and decided that I would start buying books from the holiday display that Target puts up every time there is a holiday coming up.  I can honestly say I don't remember packing the book when I packed for the hospital, but some how it was with me when the boys made their unexpected appearance.  It was the book I chose to read, if not every not, every other night - curious to see if when they got older they would remember the book - curious if it would bring a sense of calm in the chaos I knew two boys would create.  It was the book I read to Kyle as I held him as he slowly left.  It was the book the nurse photogrtaphed with my precious baby boy after I had to leave him.  It was the book I hurriedly ordered so that I could make sure he had one with him when he was laid to rest.  It was the book I read to him in that small white "box" (I cannot type the word) after everyone had left after his visitation.  And it is the book I read to Jack, though not as often as I should, and know that Kyle is there next to us listening as I read. 

"We love you Momma," the bunnies cried.  "And I love you my Bunnies," their Momma replied." 

And I love you my bunnies.

1000 Piece Puzzle

Don't you just hate periods of time when so many things happen or run through your mind?  You had the best of intentions of blogging about  THIS, but then THAT happened.  I feel that way as of late. 

I wanted to blog last week about wishing that people understood that just because it's been 1 year, 4 months and 28 days. or 515 days, or 12360 hours, or 741,600 minutes since Kyle passed it doesn't mean I am over it.  I may smile and I may laugh, I may look like I am living, but I assure you I am not the person I was before - I never will be.  I have missed my baby boy each and every one of those 741,600 minutes.  I wish people understood that some times there are moments when I can barely breathe because I miss my son so much.  I wish people understood these moments, quite often, catch me by surprise.

I wanted to blog about seeing new babies, pregnant women and most especially twins.

I wanted to blog about empty cribs.

I really wanted to blog this weekend about being married - a subject which you may have guessed (from my lack of mention of a husband) will be most interesting when I do bring it up.

I wanted to blog about the progress on my upcoming surgery.

I wanted to blog Monday about the amazing rainbow I saw.

But today I really wanted to blog about the awkward question all of us with Angels Babies dread - How many children do you have?  Well, actually the question to me was, "You have two sons?"  I am not sure where the guess of two came, other than the fact that I have enough pictures of Jack around my office that it probably seems more like 10 kids than 1.  So it went something like this - A new person started at our office today.  As she was sitting across from my desk in my office she innocently asked - "You have two sons?"  I actually stumbled over my words to say that yes I have two, however one passed away.  I stumbled through a shortened version of the story.  At the end I felt bad.  I felt bad because this woman asked a question which should be innocent enough, but I have the unpleasant duty of explaining that my baby is not with me.  Babies shouldn't die.  Mommies should never have to explain to someone who innocently asks on a beautiful fall day that the beautiful baby boy she sees in a picture is actually in the cold ground in a little white casket.  This conversation isn't fair to anyone.

This got me thinking about the Kyle's Angels First Annual Angel Baby Balloon Release and another woman in the office.  I don't know how many other people around here know, but shortly after Kyle passed and I returned to work she confided in me that she had a son.  Her baby died of SIDS many years ago when he was just a few months old.  There are no pictures of her baby in her office.  I know everyone grieves differently, and I know there is a sort of stigma attached to mommies of Angel Babies, and I know talking about dead babies is sort of taboo, what I don't know is why?  Every Angel Baby deserves to be remembered.  I have no doubt that her Angel Baby is loved.  She should be able to have a picture of him on her desk and if someone asks about him she should be able to say, "That's my son.  He's no longer here," and that should be the end of the conversation.  But people want to know the whole story, every little detail, and they think it's their right to know.  Instead mommies of Angel Babies feel the need to tuck away the keepsakes and pictures in the back of a closet somewhere.  Angel Babies deserve to be remembered and Angel Baby Mommies deserved to be honored.

There's a lot I wanted to blog about.  Good thing no one's checking this blog out daily waiting for the latest omelet from my scrambled brain.

Not Like You

Not Like You
by Sheri Hess
I am a mother, though not like you.
You cradle your sweet baby in your arms,
Mine are empty, but I hold him in my heart.
You brush her soft curly hair,
and tie pretty pink bows just right.
A lock of his hair is tucked neatly in a book
You pick daisies and tie them in a chain
to wear around her neck
I cut lilacs and arrange them in a vase to set at his grave.
You look forward to dreams and plans.
I hold on to memories.
I am a mother,
though not like you.

In Memory of Dakota Rain Hess

Sketchbook Project at Butterfly Mommies (Blog)

Has anyone else come across this idea?  Is anyone else participating?

I finally sat down to write something to relate Kyle's entry in the project to the theme of "You'd be home by now."  It wasn't easy, but this is what I came up with:

Not sure why it was so hard for me to write something, but when I sat down to think about how things would be different if Kyle were with us I thought of 100 things, 100 ways things would change, 100 things that would be different. It was overwhelming to narrow it down to 100 words, but I tried.

We recently wrapped up the season for the minor league baseball team in our area. In the years before the boys were conceived and born my husband and I went to a good number of AHL hockey games. I remember when I found out I was having twins. I laughed at the thought of how quickly we had gone from two single tickets on game day to a family four pack. Sitting at the baseball game with Jack, watching the fireworks at the last baseball game I couldn't help but smile. Jack watched so intently and wasn't scared in the least. I couldn't help but think - Finally, after over a year and many miles of separation, Jack and Kyle are sharing an event. Kyle watching the fireworks from above, and Jack snuggled up with me.

I don't really know how to relate this to "You would be home by now," other than to say that with Kyle's older, twin brother, Jack, at home I cannot help but look at him every day and wonder what Kyle would look like? Would Jack be different with a little brother to love, play with and be challenged by?

It really wasn't easy to actually write thoughts and feeling about how things would be different if Kyle were home with us.  It was even more difficult to limit it to 100 words.  Here at the top 10 things I can think of that would be different if Kyle were home with us:
1. Mommy would no longer be sleeping in Jack's room and having Jack co-sleep with her
2. Mommy would be deliriously out of energy chasing after two 17-month-olds
3. Mommy wouldn't feel such sadness and feel so cheated when hearing stories of someone else in the family who had twin boys after Jack and Kyle were born
4. Jack wouldn't hate to be left in a room or wake up screaming in a his crib alone
5. Jack would probably be walking (he went through surgery to correct hip dysplasia, and I have to wonder if a sibling walking around him might given him the confidence to try it more often himself)
6. Mommy would be blissfully unaware of the selfishness some people can display when dealing with situations that are out of their control (I am speaking about a certain individual who felt she needed to be consulted about services for Kyle)
7. The word "twins" wouldn't hurt so much when I see it
8. The pictures of Kyle would age, as do the pictures of Jack
9. I wouldn't know there are so many other mommies out there with such great strength who have inspired me even thought they don't know it
10. I would have four arms wrapped tight around me when I ask for hugs

Wake me up when ? comes

Remember the song from a few years ago - "Wake me up when September comes?"  For some reason that just popped into my head.  Like every other mother who has been through a loss I have my good days and I have my eh days and I have my stay away from me because if you look at me funny I'm going to fall down into a weeping mess days.  Today is an eh day.

For some reason it has been on my mind a lot lately about what Jack and Kyle are missing because Kyle is so far away.  I think maybe it is because Jack has taken to staring up at a certain spot on the ceiling every night as we go through out ni-night routine of a fresh diaper and pjs.  I can't help but wonder if Kyle is looking down and saying hello to his brother.  Or maybe it's the fact that my 17-month-old who says very few words has suddenly started saying Ky-Ky clear as day.  Granted it may be what he calls a tissue for all I know, but I would like to think that he knows his brother's name because he comes to play when Mommy is not looking.

Nana commented the other day about how Jack does not like to be alone.  I myself think this is why we had such an awful time every time he was buckled into his car seat when he was an infant.  Soothe a baby to sleep with a short car trip?  Not my child.  He screamed bloody murder from the first click of the strap to the time he was free of his nylon ties.  While I have often wondered if Jack feels like someone is missing I rarely say it to anyone because they just don't understand.  Are there any other mommies out there who have experienced the loss of one twin?  Do you find it difficult to balance the joy of your miracle and the loss of your angel? 

Letting Kyle Down

I've been doing a lot of reading of other blogs lately. I know, I should be adding them to mine, but I feel like I am not on the same level as those fine, strong ladies. They are so organized, have unique blogs and special signatures and here I am with just a standard blog and no signature. Could I learn? Probably, but when do I find the time?

I start grad school Monday, August 30 and, as I think I mentioned before, I think I may be slightly crazy. I flip-flop from panicking on how I'm going to find the time to how I'm going to come up with the money. I half-seriously want to sell therapy services on eBay - For the low, low price of $2,500 (the cost of one class) you too can have free therapy for one year - after I receive my degree, of course.

Anyway, back to what I was saying about all the other Angel Mommies - I feel such a strong connection to their stories no matter how different they are from ours (and by ours, I mean me, Jack and Kyle). I truly feel like I am not doing enough to honor my son. I had such plans and I can't seem to make any of them come true.

I started Kyle's Angels - Love from Above because I wanted other parents with babies in the NICU to have something special and most importantly not lose sight of the fact that they have a baby to love and treasure. No matter how tiny or sick, no matter how long of life the doctor's say that baby will have, no matter the pain and fear, that is their child to love and honor. If, Heaven forbid, that precious miracle has to return to Heaven they need to remember and feel the warm glow of love when thinking about their baby. If their precious child is luck enough to come home, there will come a time when they will look back at what a beautiful blessing they received and remember with awe all that happened. I know - I speak from experience on both accounts.

Here's the problem though, I cannot seem to generate the support I would like to for Kyle's Angels. I know times are tough for everyone right now, so I took a slightly different approach this summer. I decided rather than solicit donations of money or gently used items, I would ask for things that don't cost much, or anything at all. My two ideas were to create a cookbook - The Art of French Toast Cooking I would call it. The idea was that people would send me recipes that are either kid-friendly, or easy to make with your child and pictures of them and their child(ren) cooking the recipe.

The other idea was - as I liked to call it - Le Petite Artiste. This was going to be an art sale, or possible silent auction of works of art by children. This could be anything from a coloring book page, to Play-Doh sculpture, to finger paint on canvas, to handmade bracelets. If you can imagine it, we would love to have it.

These sound simple and fun enough, right? This was May. It's now August and I haven't received one response. When I asked for donations last year I received rather generous support. Is it that it's easier for people to give money? I need help with Kyle's Angels. I have such important ideas, but no idea how to realize them. I feel like I am letting Kyle down.

You named your blog what?

Long before I was pregnant I had decided that the name(s) of my future child(ren) would be revealed to no one until such time as I had a little to present along with the name. Why you ask?

**Please, tell us why!**

Thank you. Because people have a tendency to offer opinions on topics for which they have no business doing so. I may never choose to name my daughter after a sinful fruit, or give my son the idea that he is royalty as other Gwens have chosen to do, but you know what, that's probably the reason they didn't call me for my advice. That and the fact that they have no idea who this Gwen is.

So, you want to know why I called my blog 23 Days at a Time? It's nothing dramatic or as simple as "Gwen's blog" was taken. It's sentimental. And it reminds me that if my hero had the strength to make it 23 days, then I should at least have the strength to make it 23 days at a time. If I cannot imagine making it 5 years, 1 year, or even 1 month, then maybe I need to stop and break it down to 23 days.

As I get ready to take on one of the biggest challenges of my life - I'll explain in a later post - I have decided to take things 23 days at a time. I can at least do that - - - Right?!?!?!