Rollercoaster of ?

I feel like these last few days have been full of such ups and downs.  I called my mom when I got in the car this evening (after work) and asked her - What exactly is it about me that screams to the universe that I really don't have enough to deal with and to please pile on more $h!t?

I was extremely nervous about my appointment today.  I had my psych eval for bariatric surgery.  I had originally thought I would talk about that here, but now I'm not so sure.  Perhaps I should create a separate bog for my trials in bariatric surgery?  Until I decide, I will tell you that when I arrived for my appointment, one of the best ways I described it to the psychologist was that I feel like I'm up on the diving board ready to dive into the water.  The psych eval is my last hurdle to be overcome before I am submitted for insurance approval.  Pretty much all I have to do now is sit back and wait for their decision.  Well, I may have to go to nutritional counseling, but that's another story.  I'm nervous, excited, scared, you name it.  This will be a big change.  I will be a whole new person.

Speaking of being a new person, something occurred to me today.  I have spent a better part of this year trying to get back to being the person I was before Jack and Kyle were born.  I thought that because I wasn't that person it meant that I wasn't handling Kyle's passing.  Then something occurred to me today - I will never again be that person.  That woman didn't have two beautiful boys.  She didn't fight to keep them safe for 27 weeks, 3 days.  She didn't spend hours every day in the NICU talking to and reading to her boys.  She didn't carefully plan her son's service and go shopping for his "coming home" outfit that he would be buried in.  That woman doesn't have a miracle 17-month-old who is unaware, on any conscious level, that anything is missing as long as he has his mommy.  I will never again be that woman.  Who I am now is who I fought so hard to be - A Mommy - even though it didn't quite go the way I had planned.

So, UP because the psych eval went well.  DOWN because I found out I cannot start grad school Monday.  Why, you ask?  Because they don't have a spot for me.  Instead of taking the classes less that a half mile from where I live, they want me to sign up for classes over 30 miles away in Chicago.  Um, did you miss the part where I am a full-time employee and a full-time mommy?  What am I going to do now?  I can't afford to start paying back my student loans from my B.S.  I need to be in school within six months, or a lot of places are going to come calling for student loans.  Yikes!

Jane, get me off this crazy thing!

No longer a lurker, now a stalker :-)

Okay, so I went through some of the links I had bookmarked as I was reading one blog after another. I added some to my "Following" list. I tried to cut myself a small break about my blog. Everyone had a beginning, right? There was a time when everyone else's blog only had a few posts and they were using the templates here, right? Come on, please tell me I'm not that technologically challenged as to be the only one.

It occurred to me that I have not addressed the question about why I started this blog now. Yes, I know there is much more to be addressed such as Jack and Kyle's story and my fight against infertility and the baby lost before the boys were conceived, but for right now let me address the question about why I am starting this blog 15 months after Kyle's passing.

If it's one thing I've learned it's that everyone grieves differently. I'm not so sure this is really about grieving. Don't get me wrong, I do grieve - I miss my son terribly. I can't help but think about how Jack is not supposed to be alone; he's supposed to have a little brother to play with. I guess what this blog is really about is my search for someone who understands. Again, I know that no one can truly understand what we (me, Jack and Kyle) have been through, just as I can never truly understand what someone else has been through, no matter the similarities in our stories.

So I guess what I am hoping to find in this blogging experience is friendship; other mommies to talk to who have been to hell and back and wouldn't trade a minute of it for anything because it was time with their baby(ies).

Letting Kyle Down

I've been doing a lot of reading of other blogs lately. I know, I should be adding them to mine, but I feel like I am not on the same level as those fine, strong ladies. They are so organized, have unique blogs and special signatures and here I am with just a standard blog and no signature. Could I learn? Probably, but when do I find the time?

I start grad school Monday, August 30 and, as I think I mentioned before, I think I may be slightly crazy. I flip-flop from panicking on how I'm going to find the time to how I'm going to come up with the money. I half-seriously want to sell therapy services on eBay - For the low, low price of $2,500 (the cost of one class) you too can have free therapy for one year - after I receive my degree, of course.

Anyway, back to what I was saying about all the other Angel Mommies - I feel such a strong connection to their stories no matter how different they are from ours (and by ours, I mean me, Jack and Kyle). I truly feel like I am not doing enough to honor my son. I had such plans and I can't seem to make any of them come true.

I started Kyle's Angels - Love from Above because I wanted other parents with babies in the NICU to have something special and most importantly not lose sight of the fact that they have a baby to love and treasure. No matter how tiny or sick, no matter how long of life the doctor's say that baby will have, no matter the pain and fear, that is their child to love and honor. If, Heaven forbid, that precious miracle has to return to Heaven they need to remember and feel the warm glow of love when thinking about their baby. If their precious child is luck enough to come home, there will come a time when they will look back at what a beautiful blessing they received and remember with awe all that happened. I know - I speak from experience on both accounts.

Here's the problem though, I cannot seem to generate the support I would like to for Kyle's Angels. I know times are tough for everyone right now, so I took a slightly different approach this summer. I decided rather than solicit donations of money or gently used items, I would ask for things that don't cost much, or anything at all. My two ideas were to create a cookbook - The Art of French Toast Cooking I would call it. The idea was that people would send me recipes that are either kid-friendly, or easy to make with your child and pictures of them and their child(ren) cooking the recipe.

The other idea was - as I liked to call it - Le Petite Artiste. This was going to be an art sale, or possible silent auction of works of art by children. This could be anything from a coloring book page, to Play-Doh sculpture, to finger paint on canvas, to handmade bracelets. If you can imagine it, we would love to have it.

These sound simple and fun enough, right? This was May. It's now August and I haven't received one response. When I asked for donations last year I received rather generous support. Is it that it's easier for people to give money? I need help with Kyle's Angels. I have such important ideas, but no idea how to realize them. I feel like I am letting Kyle down.

I missed the day, so I am back posting

Kyle John Stewart Kabela

Big changes to come

As I was driving to work this morning it stuck me that I am (perhaps) a bit insane. Yeah, so it's not really news, but here's what I mean. By the end of the year (hopefully November or December) I will be having bariatric surgery. I have decided - for reasons I will discuss later - that having gastric banding is the best option for me.

But before that happens, I will start grad school. What am I doing? I just finished my BS degree program. Ironic that it's a BS degree and my major is psychology. Yes, the main reason I am jumping into my masters program so soon is because I cannot afford to pay back my student loans at this point, but should that be a reason? Then again if I put it off for a few months or even a year would I just find excuses not to go. If I don't get my masters, I will likely never use my education in any form of employment and I can't do that. I would feel like such a failure and I've failed at a lot. I want to work in the field of psychology. I have plans (as I listed in my application essay) to do good and help people. But still grad school, bariatric surgery, a full-time job and a toddler - - Anyone know where I can get an extra set of hands?

ABC's of Me

Yes, I stole this from somewhere, but I was bored and thought I'd give it a shot...

A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 70, but if it’s too warm outside it gets dropped down to 65

B- My BEDROOM theme is: “Twister” – the movie, not the game, it’s in serious need of cleaning and organization

C- The CAR in the driveway is: Don’t have a car, drive a truck – Chevy Silverado (Thanks Dad!)

D- My DESK looks: I am way too organized and have everything in a folder

E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: First alarm goes off at 5:55, but I don’t get out of bed until 6:15-6:30

F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: Hair

G- My GARAGE is filled with: I wish I had a garage. Storage unit is filled with “stuff”

H- My HOUSE is: An apartment. Don’t really have a desire to own

I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: Litter, litter everywhere (kitty box got moved here after the birth of the boys)

J- My favorite JUICE is: Depends on what I’m in the mood for. Don’t drink a lot of juice, but get cravings every once in a while for apple, grape or orange. Mainly drink Crystal Light Fruit Punch.

K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: Seeing my little guy learning how to feed himself.

L- The LAST person who visited my home was: Nana

M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: College transcript

N- My NEIGHBORS think: I’m a hermit raising a hermit baby – We don’t like the heat!

O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see: It’s filled with Jack food

P- My last house PARTY was: Don’t have a big enough place to have a party. Had a party in July for Dad’s birthday at a waterpark.

Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: Preggo-Eggo sandwich

R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: Jack’s room

S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: Still searching for a good one. Used Suave for a while

T- My largest TELEVISION is: I dunno, but I pray it keeps working because I can’t afford a new one

U- UNDER my bed you will find: Mishka

V- The last time I VACUUMED was: Two days ago

W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: At work – the city of Chicago, at home – Trees and a quiet suburban street with kids playing an families walking dogs

X- I wish I had extra: time to spend with my son

Y- My YARD is: Full of dog poop because my neighbors don’t clean up after them – oh by the way the landlords still insist no one has a dog because they have never given permission for any – WAKE UP! We’re the only ones without a dog.

Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: between 10:00 and 11:00 during the week

You named your blog what?

Long before I was pregnant I had decided that the name(s) of my future child(ren) would be revealed to no one until such time as I had a little to present along with the name. Why you ask?

**Please, tell us why!**

Thank you. Because people have a tendency to offer opinions on topics for which they have no business doing so. I may never choose to name my daughter after a sinful fruit, or give my son the idea that he is royalty as other Gwens have chosen to do, but you know what, that's probably the reason they didn't call me for my advice. That and the fact that they have no idea who this Gwen is.

So, you want to know why I called my blog 23 Days at a Time? It's nothing dramatic or as simple as "Gwen's blog" was taken. It's sentimental. And it reminds me that if my hero had the strength to make it 23 days, then I should at least have the strength to make it 23 days at a time. If I cannot imagine making it 5 years, 1 year, or even 1 month, then maybe I need to stop and break it down to 23 days.

As I get ready to take on one of the biggest challenges of my life - I'll explain in a later post - I have decided to take things 23 days at a time. I can at least do that - - - Right?!?!?!